I have never been very good at sitting still.
Actually, that’s putting it mildly.
I am one of those people who can walk outside to water one plant and somehow, three hours later, I’m covered in dirt, I’ve moved six things, started painting something that absolutely did not need to be painted that day, planted four more plants, and created at least two new projects for myself.
That is just how I am.
The funny thing is, I didn’t always accept that.
For a long time, I thought it was a flaw.
I thought I should be calmer. Less busy. Less all-over-the-place. Better at relaxing. Better at doing one thing at a time. I looked at people who could sit still without feeling guilty or restless and wondered why that seemed so much easier for them than it did for me.
It has taken me a long time to stop treating the way I’m wired like something that constantly needs to be fixed.
I like doing things. I like creating things. I like crossing things off a list. I like being able to look around at the end of the day and say, “Okay, I accomplished something today.”
And there’s nothing wrong with that.
What I’m starting to learn, though, is that accepting who I am doesn’t mean I have to run myself into the ground.
That part is new.
So when I decided to take a little sabbatical from Tangled Roots during August, I knew I wasn’t actually going to spend the month lying around doing nothing.
First of all, I’m still enjoying the fact that I get to use the word sabbatical. I don’t think I’ve ever had a legitimate reason to use that word in my entire life, so I’m going to milk it for all it’s worth.
And second, apparently my version of a sabbatical involves working on the on-site potting bar, doing projects around the house, planting things every single day, getting sunburned, collecting an impressive assortment of bruises, and generally keeping myself occupied.
So no, I have not exactly mastered the art of doing nothing.
But I am starting to rethink what it actually means to be productive.
For most of my life, productivity has meant doing.
Working.
Cleaning.
Building.
Fixing.
Planning.
Answering emails.
Taking care of somebody.
Starting the next thing before I’ve even finished the last thing.
If I wasn’t accomplishing something, there was always a little voice in the back of my head telling me I probably should be.
But this month has been different.
I’ve been spending time with family.
I’ve been having fun.
I’ve been reading more.
I’ve been sitting outside.
Every morning, I’ve been putting the soles of my feet in the grass and getting some morning sunshine. Nothing terribly mystical is happening, I promise. I have not started making my own moon water. I’m simply trying to get outside early, slow down for a few minutes, and give my body a little reminder that, yes, it is morning.
And I really love it.
There is something about those few quiet minutes before the day gets noisy that makes everything feel a little different.
I’m beginning to realize that maybe some of the most productive hours of our lives don’t look productive at all.
Maybe reading a book for an hour is productive.
Maybe sitting quietly with your coffee is productive.
Maybe spending an afternoon laughing with people you love is productive.
Maybe going somewhere just because it sounds fun is productive.
Maybe sleeping a little longer, sitting in the sunshine, taking a walk, or simply giving your brain a chance to stop running at full speed is not wasted time.
Maybe peace and quiet actually accomplish something.
That has been a strange lesson for me.
Because I think a lot of us have been taught to measure a good day by what we got done.
How many things did you check off?
How much money did you make?
Did you answer all the messages?
Did you clean the house?
Did you finish the project?
Did you do enough?
And I am starting to wonder if “Did I do enough?” is sometimes the wrong question.
Maybe a better one is:
“Did I give myself what I needed today?”
Some days that might mean getting a ridiculous amount of work done.
I still love those days.
Some days it might mean planting something, because obviously that is happening regardless.
But other days, maybe it means seeing family. Reading another chapter. Sitting outside long enough to notice the morning. Laughing until your face hurts. Or taking an afternoon off without immediately trying to justify why you earned it.
I’m still learning this.
Trust me, I am not about to become the poster child for relaxation.
There is an excellent chance I will finish writing this and immediately go outside and start another project I have no business starting.
But I’m learning that rest and productivity don’t have to be opposites.
Sometimes stepping away gives you your creativity back.
Sometimes quiet helps you figure out what actually deserves your energy.
Sometimes doing less for a little while lets you come back to the things you love with more of yourself.
And sometimes the productive thing is simply enjoying the life you’ve been working so hard to build.
Maybe that’s what this August sabbatical is teaching me.
Not how to become a different person.
Maybe that was never the point.
Maybe it’s learning to like the person I already am, while also learning when she needs to sit her ass down for a little while.
That part, I’m still working on.